There is always a problem your child will encounter. The problem that your children face is an opportunity to improve their ability for problem-solving. For instance, your child may feel that they can not do their homework, have an argument with a friend, or may not consider themselves beautiful or hardworking. They might have some problems with their siblings. If the parents try to solve the problems instead of their child, it will prevent the development of the child. Özgüveninin gelişmesine, iletişim becerisinin, kendini ifade gücünün gelişmesine sekte vurulmuş olacaktır. When the children face up the problems on their own, they will also build up their self-confidence. Children have more problem-solving skills than we think they have.
If we believe in our children about their problem-solving skills, they will gain self-confidence. Of course, they can not solve all the problems by themselves, but they will learn to ask for their parents’ help at this point. We have to trust them when there is a problem they can solve alone. If we adopt their problems as ours and try to deliver a solution, we will inhibit their problem-solving skills. Also, we cause them to be adults who cannot step forward and always seek help for even a little problem. We all meet with this situation at an extreme point.
How can a thirty-year-old man explain his unwillingness and distrust in applying for a job and seeking support from his older sister or brother to fill out a CV and submitting? The case that parents do anything for their child makes their child incapacitated to do the smallest thing when they become adults. Imagine a teenager who won the university; His mother fed this teenager until this time, and he gets into university. When he had to eat somewhere away from his family, he failed and was hospitalized because he could not eat. And imagine that this problem eventually became a psychological case, and that teenager needed to take psychological treatment to gain strength. Everything was fine until they faced such a problem. However, it is worth considering whether parents’ efforts to make the child’s life easier works or not.
We should question whether we become an obstacle for them to be individuals, to be on their own. Above all, no one can bear the problems of an individual and do what that individual needs to do all the time. It is a burden. The nonstop efforts to help will eventually be perceived as their parents’ duty.
If you want your children to take responsibility, you have to stop taking responsibility instead. The best way you can use is not to solve problems for them but to coach them to find solutions. You have to guide and believe in their problem-solving skills. You should raise awareness of the situation they regard as a problem for now. This is the best thing you can do to help, and sometimes the best way to help is not to help.
What would you do if you see a crawling baby climbing on the sofa? The answer would usually be ”I help him with love, lift him, seat him on the sofa.”
We get proud of ourselves knowing we helped with love. However, there are also situations where a small number of our citizens, raised in Western culture, behave differently. Europeans or Americans usually do not help in such a case. If a person around wants to help, they feel annoyed or even warn that person. They prefer to behave in this way to lead a child’s self-perception and self-confidence to develop. We usually think that we need to be responsible for the actions of our children in our culture. We try to help thinking that they cannot do it on their own. This situation continues with homework later on.
I know someone who asks his family to solve his relationship problems. He even did that when he was a forty-year-old man. And his family almost takes the position of his wife. As a society, we commit to raising insecure adults while we do not spare our help in all areas to be helpful and signal them that we are their parents. On the other hand, westerners seem to raise a self-confident child. However, these children lack support and are used to live individually. Both approaches are acceptable to use.
Of course, the child will want to know that they have their family support and feel their love. What is the ideal way? If the children seem to fail when we allow them to struggle, supporting them will help them keep their self-respect and improve their self-confidence. It makes him feel secure that he will be supported by his family when they are in trouble.
If the family helps in every action, it will destroy their child’s self-perception, and the child will become individuals who cannot act on their own.
Ozlem – Inci Aktas
