We live in a world where nobody bothered to listen to anyone and preferred to put their own needs and needs first. We think communication is talking, but why don’t we think we have two ears and one mouth. We need to hear more. Especially our children, whom we love very much, need to be heard and understood.
Everyone wants to be understood, especially children. They think adults don’t understand them. In fact, we know that after many sessions, our young clients say “it is truly a miracle to have someone listening to me”. Careful rest by someone is a tremendous experience. In this world where no one listens to anyone, there is nothing more extraordinary than someone listening to you and feeling understood. Often parents talk about not understanding their children, not knowing what to do to understand what is going on in their heads. Because children are not very willing to communicate with their families.
What is the reason why children do not want to share their problems with their families on issues that bother them? We are constantly looking for the answer outside. Bringing the children to the session, the parents complain that “my child does not want to communicate with me, he is very introverted, but he has heart to heart talk with his friends”. Why might we be keeping children away from ourselves? Expressing himself to a professional very comfortably and opening his thoughts, why does a child perceive his family as foreign to him? The parent who has learned to be judgmental finds respond with reactions which are easier to the child’s slightest problem. The child has a hard time accepting their differences. The most conflict occurs when we have difficulty accepting our differences. So what should be done?
Unconditional acceptance and love are terms that are not as easy to apply as they say. Especially as we think and see that everyone is giving everything conditionally and expecting a response, and as we do it ruthlessly to our innocent children and realize that the consequences are actually disappointing us all, then perhaps we will understand the importance and value of giving unconditional love. Many things can be conditional in your relationship with your child, but loving and accepting him as he is and really being able to give a lot of love from the heart must be unconditional.
You can say, “Of course I love my child unconditionally.” However, if you show affection only when he/she get good grades, it is good to stop and think. Why do people share their deepest secrets with therapists? Because professionals accept people as they are. Unconditional acceptance is important in therapy and coaching. Expressing your acceptance in words to a person is a very important step for the individual who knows that they are approved to trust you and feel love, and to share with you the deepest problematic issues. Accepting someone as they are helps that person make constructive changes, be productive, and get to know oneself, and the relationship develops. Many parents may fall into the mistake of thinking that if they accept their children as they are, the child will not develop enough. They think that the constant repetition of the aspects that need to be changed in the child will develop that child.
Respecting the child is primarily to admit that he is a different individual from you, that he has different thoughts and character. The parents think that they will develop more by judging, giving advices, criticizing, and giving moral lessons, it forces children to be as they wish. If you are a parent who thinks that it is enough to provide their children with bank accounts loaded with money, to have a phone, to live in luxury houses, to teach them in good schools, we would like to say that there is nothing more valuable than the attention you will give them, the unconditional love and the time you will spare for them.
It is cruel to expect the child to fulfill your wishes in exchange for material rewards. First of all, this situation is the parents’ who do not accept herself/himself reflection of his/her non-acceptance to his/her child. First of all, you must be able to learn to accept that it is not necessary to be perfect, that you can have mistakes and flaws, for both yourself and your child. Accepting a person as he is serves to unleash his potential. When you force him to change, to be a different person, you turn him into an unhappy person living with someone else’s wishes. It sooner or later explodes somewhere, resulting in an inevitable unhappiness.
The parental role sometimes becomes so dominant that parents forget that they are human. They ignore their own wishes and relationships, decide to live for the child, and then expect the same from the child. “I do everything for them, so he should do what I want.” His/her approach causes us to turn into unhappy families that don’t accept each other.
“Of course we accept our children.” We seem to hear what you say, well, how much of our love do we show and make feel and express our affection? Do our actions contradict our words? If we say we accept our child and make us feel that we do not approve with our behavior, we are failing. Acceptance is an emotion, to think that the other side is aware of it, to assume that the other person is reading our mind. We have to show that we approve by our actions.
We learn by mistakes. Mistakes means possibility of improvement. To interfere with children in the slightest, to compare what they do with others, and the constant desire to help, is an indication that we do not accept them as they are. We have to let the child do the things he does, based on his own knowledge and pace of learning.
Ozlem – Inci Aktas
