Parents who think that there is constant conflict and obstacle between them and their children and are willing to understand and overcome the reasons for this, can start change by first asking themselves what should change in the current communication models. The child who is not listened to, not respected and judged when there is a problem will receive the message that his feelings are not accepted, respected, humiliated, wrong, not trusted in solving himself, and done something bad. Especially, parents who reflect their own desires to the child, which they could not do in the past, will be disappointed when they encounter behaviors that are not approved by the child. Because they see children as a continuation of themselves, when the child does not think like them, when the child is not satisfied with the opportunities provided for this cause, their disappointment will increase. In fact, what parents often want is for their children to become hope for themselves in the future. They may not make these attitudes conscious, but as soon as they realize this, they will see more clearly the barriers they put between them and their children.
Our conversations can have a constructive and destructive effect in communication. Children put another barrier between you and you in every destructive impact. They just want their feelings to be understood and shared.
Coaches get used to withdrawing and feeling guilty, defensive and reactive, and reacting without similar effects of children.
The reactions we receive from the children against the attitudes of their families are: “They interrupt me, I feel insignificant. They think that I do not know myself, that I cannot find my truth, I feel insecure. They are killing my will to speak, they make me defend and attack, they treat me like a little boy. They make me feel guilty, they don’t understand my feelings, I feel disappointed. They make me think they love me conditionally, I think they don’t listen and I am not properly understood. ” is in the form. It is necessary to think over this situation, realize where the error is and make changes on it.
According to Thomas Gordon, common mistakes when using effective communication skills are expressed as follows …
Using coaching skills to realize the behaviors we expect from children:
Child: “I got bad grades in three of my exams today.”
Mother: “You felt bad. (Cold and nervous)
Child: “Of course I felt bad, how should I not feel?”
Mother: “You are very depressed. (Even colder)
Child: “Of course, this will affect my exam grades as well.”
Mom: “You’re saying it will end badly because you haven’t worked hard enough.” (Commenting and giving your own message)
Child: “Are you trying to say I’m not working?” (Anger, not being understood)
Mother: “It’s still not late, you can work and pack it up.” (Imposing your own solution)
Boy: “Never mind, what we talked about is nonsense.”
While trying to listen, the child feels not understood; answers, suggestions were tried to be dictated, and the child understood this and went on the defensive. Using the listening skill to try to direct the behavior we want is to be unfair to the child. Our true intention, again, is not to understand it, but to impose what we believe on it. It will not work and will strengthen the walls.
Not being able to continue to listen effectively because what the child is telling does not like the family
Dad: “You look bored.” (Active listening)
Child: “Yes, we had a fight with Murat.”
Father: “Looks like you are bored.” (Active listening)
Child: “Of course. I want to beat him like crazy. “
Dad: “This doesn’t seem like a good idea at all.” (Interpretation)
Child: “It doesn’t matter, I’ll smash his face!”
Father: “Turning to violence is not a very ethic thing. (Counsel) Instead, you have to think of something to compromise. (Solution suggestion)
Child: “You’re talking nonsense!”
All doors were closed to the child’s face and his feelings were not understood, active listening resulted in ethic lessons and advice because the family did not like the child’s feelings, and communication did not result in a positive outcome as desired. The child who thinks he is not understood by his family will not be willing to tell them the next time he experiences a similar experience. All bad feelings are temporary. The anger your child is experiencing will also pass. He probably won’t do what he says. Feeling understood, the child will notice healthier ways to find solutions.
Ozlem – Inci Aktas
