David Eagleman, the author of the book Incognito, states, “The main difference between young minds and adult minds lies in the development of the frontal lobes. The underlying reason for impulsive adolescent behavior is that the prefrontal cortex does not fully develop in humans until the early twenties. We sometimes refer frontal lobe as the organ of socialization. The reason is that the phenomenon we call socialization consists of developing the optimum circuits to outdo our most primitive urges.
We think that adolescence is a period of disobedience, rebellion, opposition to parental authority, and having conflicts. However, you will see many ‘typical’ children who get through this period without any problems. Well, how was your adolescence? “I was a typical child of the family, my brother was mischievous, or my sister do not study, she would run away from home.”, “I never had a problem. I was the well-behaved child of the family. ” or some of us will say, “I was very disobedient. My mother and father have a hard time because of me.” It is a controversial subject that the adolescence period is a period of rebellion and will pass with constant conflicts. Although some people have a troublesome period, others may have it as a learning experience without any problems. Every child is different. Every individual is different.
Psychology theorists have developed different theories about this subject. According to the model developed by Cockram and Beloff, which considers adolescence as a period of depression, adolescents are rebellious by their nature. They reject parental authority and only care about the social influence of the peer group. However, psychologists including Albert Bandura began to examine the behavior of typical adolescents. This attempt caused objections. Bandura pointed that most adolescents do not particularly oppose their parents about their values and do not show hostile or rebellious attitudes. Contrarily, many people consider the adolescent period where they develop more reliable and positive relationships.
So what should we do in this period to build more positive relationships, prevent conflict, and create an environment in which unconditional love and trust predominate? It is a period in which the parents still have control over the children. However, we should be careful about the rules we set to protect them do not violate their freedom. Conflicts will arise when we violate their independence. Why do we protect them? Could we have this protectionism by the reason that we mistrust and disbelief? Could it be because of your overanxious thoughts? Or do you protect your child as much as you should?
Examine the behaviors and habits that your child has developed. How they take care of themselves, their relationships and communications, socialization, the words they choose while speaking, how they take responsibility, and set goals. Recognizing and appreciating these will be beneficial for you more than focusing on the child’s shortcomings.
It may be meaningless when we put ourselves in their shoes and say, ‘I would not have done that. We did not behave like this when we were kids. When we became adolescents, we weren’t like this. Our parents would give a black look, and we would understand what he meant and immediately stop what we were doing. ” What did we say? Every child is different. Every individual is different from the other. You may not have been exposed to intense stress like they were when you were in the womb, or your mother did not smoke while pregnant with you. And if we consider these and related factors, you cannot compare your situation to theirs. Your brains are different. The neural connections and programs you have are different from hers. Knowing this can motivate you to take a different approach.
If the kid got a 90 score in math, understand this. Of course, getting a perfect 100 can be the goal, but you should not disregard the 90 points either. My 12-year-old client, who has struggled in math, had only one problem. Her family was making fun of her when she gets less than a 90 score. It let the child be more irresponsible and lazy. As we mentioned earlier, if we criticize the child for failing at an age in which they show efforts to succeed, it may cause laziness.
Inform them on many topics. Talk about critical matters such as sexuality, drugs, political and cultural differences. You will learn how to do this by respecting their privacy without judgment or criticism in the following chapters. As spouses, you should be able to share the responsibility of the difficulties along with the success of your child. As we all know, in some families, when a child does a good thing, one of them says my daughter/son. When the child does something uncelebrated, parents point out each other telling that ‘your daughter/son.’ Whatever the child does, they are your child, and the responsibility is also yours.
Ozlem – Inci Aktas
