A strict and repressive attitude is the result of an authoritarian mother and father approach. It is the approach of making children accept their demands and expectations by oppressive means, usually by parents.
The reactions of children to strict rules and power are mostly negative behaviors like; rebellion, anger, hostility, flattery, withdrawal, introversion, anger, grudge, submission, lying, desire to take revenge, accusing, deceit, hate losing, resentment. We receive interesting feedback from our child clients who are often exposed to authoritarian and oppressive attitudes. “I don’t try to do more anymore, they always want more and they are not satisfied. They push me so hard to be perfect. Because they want to satisfy themselves, they want to try what they cannot do on me. There is a lot of pressure to be a doctor, but I do not want it and I will not be a doctor just because they are happy … ”These words belong to a high school client. He is in a great struggle with the family. A struggle that won’t win, unfortunately.
“I’m so upset with them that they never try to understand what I’m feeling. Always their wishes. ” This is another client’s interpretation. He is offended. He thinks that not understood, and his feelings are not respected. “They will see, I will leave this house very soon, because of them, I will marry early and get rid of them.” Our client, a young girl, wanted to take revenge on her family so much! She believed she was being wronged.
“My mom and dad won’t let me go out with my boyfriend, so I lie to them, go to the library to study, and go out.” Another says, because she is too tired of the incomprehensible strict rules applied and he’s doing what she is put in his mind. Children whose freedom is not respected and accepted are much more likely to lie and try to deceive. When the parents disregard the children’s cries for freedom and force the child to follow the strict rules they believe, the child puts his own solution into practice, and in doing so, not out of love; He/she does it with feelings such as anger, revenge, hatred.
In fact, the emotions they experienced in their youth and childhood underlie their being so rigid and oppressive. They attempt to apply what they experience from their families to their children. They even do it when it doesn’t work. Whereas parents can remember their own youth. Remembering that they had the same struggles in their youth can pave the way for understanding.
It is also possible for the child to change, to approve of the rules and boundaries, but first it is important that the child knows why he needs to change and the child needs something to be motivated to change. Children are also motivated by rewards and punishments. However, it is important that the reward and punishment are given correctly and at the right time. It is often useless for families to reward children without need and need. At the end of the punishment given to the child for his / her mistakes, the child can stop doing the behavior altogether. If the good behavior of the child is not rewarded immediately, its effectiveness decreases. Planning an activity for the next month will not be constructive as he studies his lessons. If the reward and punishment are made continuously, the child becomes immune and ineffective. Trying to increase the size of the reward and punishment each time, families painfully realize that this is not the end. The most effective way to change habits and gain positive behavior is to use win-win strategies to improve relationships.
Ozlem – Inci Aktas
